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New US Stamps
New US Stamps was a recurring sketch on Late Night With Conan O'Brien. Appearances February 1, 1996 *"Sinbad as great Americans" series **Ben Franklin **Dwight D. Eisenhower **Teddy Roosevelt **Mary Lou Retton *Elderly falls **Broken ankle (slipping on ice) **Bump on the head (falling down stairs) **Mild concussion (falling off a ladder) **Dislocated hip (slipping in the shower) *"Huge portions" series **Mashed potatoes **Chocolate cake **Fried chicken **Giant cheeseburger *"Dirty secrets of the 50 states" series **New Jersey: "There's toxic waste in Cliffside Park." **Connecticut: "Nearly 5,000 Nazis near Hartford." **Illinois: "Lincoln was actually from Indiana." **Texas: "We sleep with our cattle." *"Untreated gum disease" series **Gingivitis **Periostitis **Periodontitis **Keith Richards *"Mob hits" series **Dutch Schultz **Paul Castellano **Carmine Galante **Flattop *"Things to think about to keep from climaxing" series **Baseball **Grandma **Tax forms **Conan O'Brien *"Disappointing Kennedys" series **Max Kennedy **William Kennedy Smith **Ted Kennedy **Booter Kennedy December 17, 2003 *"Jesus celebrating Christmas" series **Christmas shopping **Putting up decorations **Heading home for the holidays **Getting a sweater from his aunt *"Learning there's no Santa" series **Brian **Sophie **Steven **George (W. Bush) *"Britney meets Rudolph" stamp *"We got him!" series **Santa emerging from his hole **Santa getting checked for lice **Santa having his teeth examined **Shaved Santa *"Christmas through the eyes of a child in the Philippines" series *"American Idol holidays" series **Kelly Clarkson's Christmas **Ruben Studdard's Kwanzaa **Clay Aiken's Hanukkah *"Other uses for menorahs" series **Rake **Chalk rainbow maker **Octopus restraint **Hot dog holder *"Santa kama sutra" series **The "unwrapped present" **The "reindeer" **The "greased chimney" **The "flying sled" June 24, 2004 *"George W. Bush's other words for evildoers" series **Wicked-wagers **Badness makers **Goodness stoppers **Spelling checkers *"Internet slang" series **LOL - laugh out loud **CGL - can't get laid **RBY - right behind you **IOF - I'm on fire *"Styles of houses that Billy Joel has crashed into" series **Colonial **Cape **Victorian **Teepee *"Classic movie monsters being scared" series **Wolfman trying to catch a cab in a bad neighborhood **Dracula being asked to give the toast at a wedding **Mummy doing open-mic standup **Godzilla finding his girlfriend's home pregnancy test *"Gerard DePardue's nose on other celebrities" series **Brad Pitt **Marilyn Monroe **Snoop Dogg **Barbara Streisand *"Predictably extinct animal species" series **North American mouthless bobcat **Neon delicious fish **One-legged gazelle **Four-toed suicidal sloth *"Blondes have more fun" series **Fabio on a jet ski **Pam Anderson at a Lakers game **Steve Irwin on a roller coaster **Paris Hilton in bed with Fabio, Pam Anderson, and Steve Irwin *"Grizzly bear fantasies" series **Taking a bath in honey **Finding a 500-pound salmon **Meeting a camper wearing a "please maul me" T-shirt **Winning American Idol September 21, 2004 *"Disappointing offspring" series **Rachel Einstein, gym teacher **Claude Picasso, house painter **Phillip Gandhi, encyclopedia salesman **George W. Bush, president *"Muppet mugshots" series **Kermit the Frog **Cookie Monster (with a drug addiction) **Big Bird (beaten up) **Bert (dressed in drag) *"Roman emperor Caligula doing insane things" series **Making his horse a senator **Wrestling a tree **Marrying a panda **Wearing acid-washed jeans *"Good dogs with bad names" series **Crib death, the terrier **Prison rape, the hound **Genocide, the poodle **Kenny G, the pug *"527 groups" series **Swift Boat Veterans For Truth **Tugboat Captains For Literacy **Carnival Barkers For Healthcare Reform **Josh Mendelbaums for Josh Mendelbaums *"Statesmen with unsightly hair" series **Thomas Jefferson with nose hair **George Washington with ear tufts **Millard Fillmore's rings of nipple hair **William Howard Taft's pathway to paradise *"Celebrities without their makeup" series **Julia Roberts **Britney Spears **Pamela Anderson **Dick Cheney (an image of Satan is shown) May 18, 2007 *"Paris Hilton in different prison groups" series **Aryan Nation Paris **Crips Paris **Black Muslims Paris *"Roger Clemens showing his age" series **Pitching an entire game from a lawn chair **Reading large-print Reader's Digest in the dugout **Not remembering where he put the ball *"Great explorers exploring their sexualities" series **Christopher Columbus reading Our Bodies, Ourselves **Lewis and Clark sharing a sleeping bad **Leif Erikson trying on lingerie *"Unpopular topiary forms" series **Deer mounted on a bumper **Dog peeing on a homeless guy **Sanjaya *"Excuses Bill Clinton uses for coming home late" series **"I got a flat tire." **"I was giving Jimmy Carter a ride home." **"I fell asleep during an orgy." *"Sopranos surprise endings" series **Tony Soprano reveals he's an undercover cop **Pauly Walnuts meets his evil twin, Wally Paulnuts **It was all Arlos's dream *"Clown committing suicide" series **Two-ton pie **Helium balloon hanging **Riding a tiny bicycle off a cliff *"Inappropriate gifts George W. Bush gave the queen" series **A pearl necklace **A Cleveland steamer **A rusty trombone *"Dick Cheney facial expressions" series **Angry **Sad **Having an orgasm October 17, 2008 *"Ways John McCain can seem younger" series **Stand next to Larry King **Get the same hairstyle as Zac Efron **Get a tramp stamp *"Other movie featuring Alien and Predator" series **''You, Me, Dupree, Alien, and Predator'' **''Tyler Perry's Alien vs. Predator'' **''Alien and Predator and Turner and Hooch'' *"Kirstie Alley's favorite pizza toppings" series **Big Macs **Pork rinds and Mentos **A second, slightly larger pizza *"President Bush's recurring nightmares" series **''SpongeBob'' cancelled **Four more years in office **Seeing his mother naked *"Donald Trump during tough times" series **Sitting in the nosebleed seats at Knicks games **Having a yard sale **Stealing free rides off cabs *"Failed spinoffs from the Whiffle Ball company" series **Whiffle porta-john **Whiffle fishing boat **Whiffle condom *"Other bears killed by Sarah Palin" series **Fozzie Bear **Gummy bears **Bears middle linebacker Brian Urlacher *"Less popular movies from the makers of Beverly Hills Chihuahua" series **''Beverly Hills Hyena'' **''Beverly Hills Amoeba'' **''Beverly Hills Chlamydia''